End of Month Reflection: Purpose-Resistance Be Gone

Laurie, Purpose’s first chapter writer, asked me to say YES and let go. Trisha, Purpose’s first wild card, reminded me of the importance of personal with professional in purpose. Beth, inspiration to this month, asked me to look at what and why I resist. These have all been on my mind for the month of June.

I resist out of fear. Seems obvious. But oh so overwhelmingly powerful it can be.

Taking those huge risks to be a part of urban education again has been scary for me. Taking that huge risk to move to a large city again, where I know I like my people, also has been resisted.

Fear of not finding people. Fear of bad systems and administrators limiting my ability to buy a house, calling me a bad teacher, or making it impossible to teach repeating plague my brain.

I have to let this go.

To let go, I remind myself that I am a good teacher. That I have risked, and risked hard. And often, not always, it has led to success. Sometimes with great time.

I have had a kid, who has hit his previous teacher, after two years in my classroom yell at other kids to get them in line for my benefit.

I have broken up fights.

I have had mothers cry in front of me in gratitude

I have had mothers cuss me out and tell me that it is my fault they can’t find a job.

I have had children hug me, who wouldn’t come near teachers at all months earlier.

I have seen them find pride in themselves and their abilities.

I have been able to understand the systems of poverty, education, race, governmental policy, bureaucracy, and social status and how they limit young people from finding their way out of a hard situation and inspiring adults from finding a way to do their best.

I have seen that America can be better when we take pride in fixing these inadequacies and when we empower those who fail because they are different because those differences make us all thrive and our system better.

I must remember these risks led to this knowledge and changed me for who I am. For the better.

In personal life, I remain more scared. I had chosen to return home to MO because I love my family and old friends. It seemed because I couldn’t find a mate out East, than perhaps ‘home’ would allow this. And though I will always love MO, I think I returned there to realize that perhaps my mate may be found outside of that state. It is scary to say I am different and my mate will most likely be different. It is scary because I am not as cool, cultured, amazing, savvy, rich as others in some of these huge cities. So will I ever find someone who gets that?

This scares me so much.

This is my resistance.

But I think I have to be brave. I have to continue to take pride in being Midwestern but I need to live in a democratic, diverse place of creativity and opportunity to thrive. There will be someone, God, just need 1, who will understand my Midwestern ways and values, because I need those, but will also want to help my wings soar into places I believe I can and should thrive…and laugh.

It is time to stop resisting. My shoulders want to ease.

I want to open to who I can be and am. I can no longer hide. I need to be brave enough to step up to my excellence.

Yes, 2 months left of Open Book and the same issues remain but I am finding that I am growing stronger to push myself to take the risks for personal love, joy, and success. Things that make sense in my heart. Trusting in that.

And perhaps the environment seems off for now, but I have no choice but to start.

 Roots and Voice=Balance

Here I come July- month of birth, month of creativity, month of doing, month of embracing the romantic, artistic Cancerian that I am.

Mid-Month Response: June’s Purpose

When I left college, all I could say about my purpose was I want to work with people and help improve social justice issues in this country. For the past 15 years, it has been focused on helping low-income students from a variety of backgrounds find a way to embrace education by using my creative and thoughtful mind. It has given me such joy to learn how to connect to people from such a variety of backgrounds and help youth find and believe in who they are. It excites me – though it has provided many challenges of money, time, and heartache along the way. It has been me.

This year I moved to Boise, not in a really defined decision of location or population of student, but more for the type of education – Expeditionary Learning. I am glad I am doing EL. It seems like a moment to recognize something I’ve worked years to do and to be validated for it.

I believe in EL. I also believe that I am still drawn to more diverse students and ones who have come from more challenges. I believe I need to step up and take a larger stand in education for a way that I know it should work by getting better at it and helping form systems to make it so. It makes me ponder my placement in Boise. Particularly when I am limited by what I can do by the set-up that exists at my school before I arrived. This has been so much of my brain for the past few months.

It makes me question what I am willing to sacrifice for purpose, aka career.

In re-reading my November posts on this same topic and my initial ideas for this topic, I am reminded of my purpose expanding to love of a spouse and children. I do believe I am giving equal or more weight on this nowadays than career purpose. And I know I would sacrifice so much for this now, because I know my heart needs and deserves it.

I spoke with Beth, the Living Chapters model instigator which Open Book is modeled after, and we found it surprising how much our paths connected. We both have found that living in the moment and being present in those moments was key to our success. We also found we were being challenged by circumstances that didn’t make sense but also finding unexpected lovely in there, too. She urged me to examine acceptance, love, and resistance.

What am I resisting? This seems to be what I need to examine for the rest of this month of purpose.

I am choosing to believe that Boise’s unexpected opportunities of creativity in and out of my school may be why I am “home” here. Because though Boise doesn’t feel like home, Beth, wisely, pointed out that home is where you are. And it is. So I look for my purpose here in career and love.

She mentioned how she is trying to let go of who she thinks she needs to be so she can be who she is. I am working on that while standing up for who I know I am, even when others don’t see that.

I find such joy when people SEE me. I think that is why I find such joy in connecting to people, and find that one of my greatest purposes. So I end this reflection by being thankful with where I connected this month and felt seen, perhaps at home:

Alta Vista girls-our quests to be creative, do what we love, and be true to ourselves and our family…all with flair

Brennan – our ability to risk to forge our own path in making connections and building things to assist people in helping themselves and our city

Triathletes – conquering something that really takes the human spirit to succeed

LOVE-being able to share my thoughts on love at Mindy’s wedding and see love emanating from her in something she has sought for so long and kept true to herself in order to find it

Godmother – understanding our need to talk, to feel, and to share emotions with each other. And that walking in the rain is just what we do.

Beth – see above

6-pack girls from grade school – that we can still laugh and cherish how we have grown together and still have each other’s backs – I know they’d fight for me in a bar fight – can’t say the same happened for an old acquaintance we ran into that night

Ali – wanderers who are not lost and appreciate kids, love, outdoor beauty, dreams

Futbol – love how something this simple can make us all feel connected. Go USA!

Bro Brian – the sibling who has gone a bit in a different direction like me and therefore, tries to understand and support in ways he can

Heidi- creativity, story, and belief in a path that only makes sense in your heart and choosing to trust it

Kellie and Laurie – keep reminding me of who I am so dearly

So my purpose has led me to be grateful for those moments and to continue to step up in the moment for larger opportunities in career and love. That is how I will get to a home that makes my heart feel more whole.

Chapter Final Reflection: Love, Love, Love

I continue my second round of months of Open Book – this round guided by myself, rather than a chapter writer. I’ve learned that the chapter writer is sure darn helpful, and crucial, to sticking to it throughout the month. Others are helpful and crucial. We could stop my reflection there. That sentence says so much.

Yet, for some reason that will make sense later I’m sure, my second round is guided by me and my take-aways from Round 1. Original Love Chapter Writers Bob and Paige’s thoughts of love have been with me. Share my love. Love myself. Be Love. Question why is it you think you don’t love well by examining what love is. I have done these.

I listed my loves/my gratitude for each day starting on the 16th. They are as follows:

16. Yurt

17. Stanley

18. Friends

19. Swimming

20. Paige (her birthday)

21. EL (Expeditionary Learning)

22.  A moment of release and realization

23. Laughter

24. BCT class and “Where Does the Good Go?” Dancin’ It out

25. Wes Anderson providing a new vision of Boise as a sanctuary – I kicked the shit out of this town

26. People who see me

27. Dance Squad

28. Angels, Maya, Swimming

29. My student Dani’s letter

30. Boise Blueprint Project reminder

31. Conversations and Hugs

I scribed these on my bathroom mirror so they stared at me each day. I expressed gratitude and love of these things.

I shared with friends my love of dance, creativity, water, education in my own way, the outdoors, city life, and wanting to love a beau extremely with my own heart. So I am sharing the love and expressing it. I am trying. My heart is growing.

I work on loving myself. I work on listening to that intuitive heart of mine. I have worked hard to train for a triathlon, because I love the chance to combine water, biking, and running.

I have taken it out of my head into the physical realm:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kxzfGQ_dmUo&feature=youtu.be

I have welcomed visitors into my home sent by my dear friend Laurie and greeted them with white and a variety of colorful flowers and been open to their messages.

I have seen the love of friends in phone calls, messages, and getting the chance to read beautiful Rumi poems at their weddings. I am thankful, oh so thankful for this love.

I have continued to enjoy Boise’s theatre and biking scene – things I love. I have continued to give my heart to my students – this time in puzzle piece form. I have seen what Expeditionary Learning can do for my students – unite them, give them voice, and help them trust in community. I have been reminded by my students through their words of my passion for learning, sharing my love of life with others, my kind heart, awareness of my community, and exposing them to new and unexpected learning.

My heart still hurts and feels a want for more: a partner, a home, connections with people and the work I believe in, and yes, the dog. He will be the damn best loved golden retriever in the universe. Mark my words.

I feel my fears continue to hamper me in this. But I also feel I am growing in openness and love…and yes, still thriving amidst that hurt. I work to believe I can get all those things and embrace the moments that would make it so. I work to share my love when my heart feels that moment and to embrace it fully.

And I guess that is what is love is, Bob. I must step up so my love will grow.

And so I move into June, a month of purpose. Ready to practice the art of stepping up, being mindful, and saying YES.