Laurie, Purpose’s first chapter writer, asked me to say YES and let go. Trisha, Purpose’s first wild card, reminded me of the importance of personal with professional in purpose. Beth, inspiration to this month, asked me to look at what and why I resist. These have all been on my mind for the month of June.
I resist out of fear. Seems obvious. But oh so overwhelmingly powerful it can be.
Taking those huge risks to be a part of urban education again has been scary for me. Taking that huge risk to move to a large city again, where I know I like my people, also has been resisted.
Fear of not finding people. Fear of bad systems and administrators limiting my ability to buy a house, calling me a bad teacher, or making it impossible to teach repeating plague my brain.
I have to let this go.
To let go, I remind myself that I am a good teacher. That I have risked, and risked hard. And often, not always, it has led to success. Sometimes with great time.
I have had a kid, who has hit his previous teacher, after two years in my classroom yell at other kids to get them in line for my benefit.
I have broken up fights.
I have had mothers cry in front of me in gratitude
I have had mothers cuss me out and tell me that it is my fault they can’t find a job.
I have had children hug me, who wouldn’t come near teachers at all months earlier.
I have seen them find pride in themselves and their abilities.
I have been able to understand the systems of poverty, education, race, governmental policy, bureaucracy, and social status and how they limit young people from finding their way out of a hard situation and inspiring adults from finding a way to do their best.
I have seen that America can be better when we take pride in fixing these inadequacies and when we empower those who fail because they are different because those differences make us all thrive and our system better.
I must remember these risks led to this knowledge and changed me for who I am. For the better.
In personal life, I remain more scared. I had chosen to return home to MO because I love my family and old friends. It seemed because I couldn’t find a mate out East, than perhaps ‘home’ would allow this. And though I will always love MO, I think I returned there to realize that perhaps my mate may be found outside of that state. It is scary to say I am different and my mate will most likely be different. It is scary because I am not as cool, cultured, amazing, savvy, rich as others in some of these huge cities. So will I ever find someone who gets that?
This scares me so much.
This is my resistance.
But I think I have to be brave. I have to continue to take pride in being Midwestern but I need to live in a democratic, diverse place of creativity and opportunity to thrive. There will be someone, God, just need 1, who will understand my Midwestern ways and values, because I need those, but will also want to help my wings soar into places I believe I can and should thrive…and laugh.
It is time to stop resisting. My shoulders want to ease.
I want to open to who I can be and am. I can no longer hide. I need to be brave enough to step up to my excellence.
Yes, 2 months left of Open Book and the same issues remain but I am finding that I am growing stronger to push myself to take the risks for personal love, joy, and success. Things that make sense in my heart. Trusting in that.
And perhaps the environment seems off for now, but I have no choice but to start.
Roots and Voice=Balance
Here I come July- month of birth, month of creativity, month of doing, month of embracing the romantic, artistic Cancerian that I am.
Open Book Project 